Some wounds have such an impact that they may change the course of our lives. They may render us emotionally devastated, psychologically confused, and spiritually desolate. These painful life experiences beckon us to forgive the offender “seventy-seven times” for the same offense. As the offense causes us new pain at different points in our life we are challenged, and even invited, to continue to forgive. Below is an article that briefly outlines the steps and stages of forgiveness. If you need help working through these stages, contact us to be paired with the best professional counselor to meet your needs.
How to Forgive Seventy-Seven Times
In a recent post for the Truth and Charity Forum, an author reflected on Jesus’ instruction to forgive “not seven times but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:22). In his heartfelt reflection, Millare courageously shared his own story of forgiving the man who murdered his beloved sister, stating, “In my heart, I forgave and continue to forgive him for his crime.”
Jesus’ instructions on forgiveness have generally reminded me of the need to forgive a person each time we are offended, sometimes doing this repeatedly for those who do not change their ways. But Millare’s personal example highlights the deeper challenge many people face at some point in life—the need to forgive an offense that wounds us more deeply than we could have ever imagined.
Some wounds have such an impact that they may change the course of our lives. They may render us emotionally devastated, psychologically confused, and spiritually desolate. These painful life experiences beckon us to forgive the offender “seventy-seven times” for the same offense. As the offense causes us new pain at different points in our life we are both challenged and invited to continue to forgive. But how?
First of all, every therapist can tell you that forgiveness is not simply forgetting, excusing, pardoning, or accepting the offenses that a person has been the victim of. These misconceptions about forgiveness actually inhibit genuine healing. When wounds run deep, forgiving someone becomes an ongoing process. Enright and Fitzgibbons, leading researchers in the process of forgiveness, define it in the following way:
People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right), and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on the moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love (to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the harmful act or acts, has no right).[1]
The researchers have outlined four phases of forgiveness that a professional counselor can guide you through: 1) uncovering, 2) decision, 3) work, and 4) deepening.
The first phase is the uncovering phase. During this phase a person explores with their counselor how the offense is negatively affecting their life. For example, if an adult underwent the tragedy of childhood sexual abuse, then she would need to uncover how that experience has impacted her, such as leading to poor self-worth, fear of intimacy, or other negative effects. This can be an emotionally painful process, especially if she has only addressed her suffering in limited or indirect ways. But if she realizes how much she suffers today from her past experience, then she can become motivated to cope differently and begin a process of genuine forgiveness and healing. After uncovering the varied effects that have followed an offense, a person enters the decision phase.
In the decision phase a person takes time to examine with their counselor how their misconceptions of forgiveness may have led to unhelpful ways of dealing with the pain, and how these myths of forgiveness have prevented their healing. Continuing with the example above, the adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse would work towards forgiveness in a new way. And she would make a decision to begin the courageous journey toward forgiving her abuser. Yes, forgiveness is a choice–often it is a difficult choice, but one that can be attained with the help of grace, and which will benefit the client greatly. When this decision is made then the work phase follows.
In the work phase a person will work with the counselor to understand the offender in his or her context. This is the challenge of humanizing rather than demonizing the wrongdoer. The person develops empathy and compassion toward the offender, learns how to cope with their suffering, and eventually aspires to make an act of moral love toward the one who inflicted the wounds. So, the adult survivor who is working to forgive an abusive uncle might explore how he was also a victim of abuse. She will try to empathize with the pain that her uncle has also buried and identify with the pressures that led to the perpetuation of abuse.
This is, without a doubt, a virtuous pursuit. Gradually beginning to see her uncle with eyes of compassion will allow her to respond out of charity. While the perpetrator’s actions should never be condoned, the woman who survived the abuse can still choose to offer the gift of forgiveness—an act of moral love that finds its inspiration and source in the bountiful mercy of God. Recall the words of Jesus on the cross, “Father, forgive them…” (Luke 23:34).
Finally, during the deepening phase, a person continues to draw grace from the experience of forgiveness. We are liberated from the chains of anger and resentment, and we discover meaning in what was suffered and forgiven. Reflecting on John Paul II’s Apostolic Letter Salvifici Dolores can offer inspiration and insight to anyone who is searching for Christian meaning in their experience of suffering. By this time, the counselor will be cheering you on with great joy–a joy that is the fruit of your own laboring through the four phases of forgiveness.
At different points in our life we may need to revisit this process again, each time entering more deeply into the grace of forgiveness. Indeed, Jesus’ words indicate we may need to forgive the same offense “seventy-seven times.” Yet, the inner healing and freedom that comes with forgiveness will make the journey well worth it–it’s a journey that Catholic Christian counselors like us are blessed to make with our clients, especially because we know that Jesus will be with us every step of the way.
Read it on Truth and Charity Forum at http://www.truthandcharityforum.org/how-to-forgive-seventy-seven-times/