Anxiety can feel like an overwhelming pressure whenever it flares up. Consistently, clients speak about being unable to break from the direction these pressures are pushing them towards. And just as consistently do counselors hear the client being bothered, upset, and judgmental toward themselves for the anxiety and its effects on them. The result is a stuck pattern. For example, you may tell your younger sibling for the third time to stop mouthing off at your parents. And you say it with the same lecturing tone you have tried ridding yourself of for the hundredth time. People get stuck in patterns like this all the time–it’s normal! But of course we don’t want to stay there. When we get stuck in the same undesirable patterns, we need a way out.
Breaking free from undesirable patterns
What can we do to break free from our undesirable patterns? This is where a technique called “reframing” can be helpful. Reframing is a technique that comes from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It involves understanding how you perceive your anxiety as well as understanding the behaviors you repeat whenever you experience anxiety. A person must give themselves time to pause and reflect on their anxiety. Here are some questions to reflect on in these moments:
- What exactly am I anxious about?
- What are compounding variables that impact my thinking and feeling about this anxiety?
- Do I feel physical symptoms in my body?
- Where do I feel the sensations and how could I describe them?
This process leads you to understand your experience of anxiety with increased detail and accuracy. Without reflection on bodily sensations, emotions, and thoughts your anxiety will remain indistinct and incapable of being broken down into manageable sizes. Once you begin to break down the anxiety into bite size pieces, it trims off the excess anxiety that might be unfounded. This does not totally solve the anxiety but it does offer some relief. This relief loosens the bonds people may feel when they are anxious. When these bonds are loosened, a new way forward could reveal itself.
Let’s Reframe: Anxiety is not a burden
Try this new angle: Anxiety is not a burden. The jitters, butterflies, increased heart rate, and tight breathing are not problems in your personal functioning. They are indicators of your brain and body functioning as it should be. BUT, what sort of functioning? Well, the sort that helps you notice something is up. There is an internal (mental/emotional) or external (object outside of you) threat to your current existence. Then as you experience this threat and realize its presence you act in accordance with what it takes to get safe. AND IT IS GOOD.
Built into us are emotions that quickly alert the brain and body to find safety. I am sure you have heard of the fight, flight, and freeze responses. You also have learned threats and responses based on the family you grew up with. For example, maybe you’ve learned that when dad raises his voice it is best to avoid him at all costs. Or when mom becomes emotional you know to redirect the topic and conversation away from whatever is unsettling her. When dealing with a non-life-threatening anxiety, no less an emotional threat, the body and mind kick into gear to gain safety. This requires little effort compared to the slower but higher functioning parts of the brain, and quickly activates the necessary parts of the body to act. And once again, it is good that it does.
Anxiety and the via negativo
Reflect on this angle of anxiety from a via negativo style. What would my life be like if it were not this way (reflexive and rudimentary)? Maybe you would yell less at a family member. Maybe you would be at peace in most circumstances. But what if you were approached by a hungry tiger who sees you as its next meal? What if you were driving on the highway and a car swerved into your lane at 70mph? Your reflexes could fail to respond in time resulting in tragedy. Or you lose out on the cues that your spouse is upset with you. You do not respond compassionately and unintentionally contribute a message of avoidance to the situation. You miss out on dynamics that inform you of important elements in your relationships.
Can anxiety be a gift? – Another reframe
What if you saw all your emotions as a gift? A gift revealing that which is important to you. Such as your spouse talking about the budget. You feel your stomach tightening and urging you to say something harsh or shut down. Or your boss asks you to come into their office for a spontaneous conversation. Your breathing gets short and your heart rate starts rising. The temptation to spiral into ‘why’ questions or safety seeking thoughts and behavior will arise. Reframing these experiences as a gift can lead to two subsequent thoughts.
First, “I am not broken…what is happening right now is fulfilling a function, a good function.” Second, “my anxiety is alerting me to something important in my life and I should do something about it.” After these thoughts, you take a new and calmer approach caring for the things in your life that matter most to you instead of only avoiding the threatening experiences. Reframing anxiety as having a functional part of my emotions leads to easing subsequent emotional responses. I can share confidently that getting angry about getting angry does little in lowering my ‘angry’. So instead you think, “this anxiety is terrible but I am trying to find safety. I am trying to function as I was created to function.” Shame and self-judgment get cut short. The anxiety, while not disappearing, stays where it ought to and does not grow bigger than it really is. All of a sudden you think of yourself as worth the effort to gain safety. The inevitable anxiety associated with living and its function for your emotions are a gift to seeing and responding to the important things of life. Maybe you try new ways to find safety or establish new cognitive patterns that ease your body out of heightened emotional states and toward the paramount parts of your life. Isn’t it worth a try?
Yes, many cases of anxiety reach levels of pain, suffering, and difficulty in functioning. Maybe the ‘good’ of anxiety has led to panic attacks, poor sleep, and broken relationships. Counselors offer compassion and care to each person and their story with anxiety. Yet they also guide you to understand your anxiety, redefine what anxiety means in your life, and learn what to do about it. Altering your perspective on anxiety is difficult. Yes, it means you have to face discomfort and fears regarding safety, but ultimately this shift in your perspective can be life changing. A new perspective will require courage and resilience. Each one being a virtue worth developing despite the pain. And slowly you may see the anxiety as functional. A part of your functioning to keep you alive because, well…you matter and YOU are a gift.
Author: Stephen Doran is a counselor at Rejoice Counseling Apostolate serving on our parish counseling team as well as in our Laetare Group with an office in New Braunfels, Texas. Learn more about Stephen Doran here.