“Do not go alone. Take such friends as are trusty and willing.” (Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring)
Let’s talk about friends! Not the popular 90’s TV show, but the actual relationship between two people. I wonder what comes to mind as you think about the word “friends.” Perhaps you picture a buddy you have known since kindergarten, who has been to every one of your birthday parties and who knows where your mom hides the Cosmic Brownies – top drawer…farthest to the right…under the dish towels. Maybe you remember someone you were close to in the past, but feel distant from now. You may even think, I don’t have anyone I consider a true friend. Whatever the case may be, friendships remain an important part of the human experience.
As someone who values friendships and community, I recognize that they can be challenging in our modern society due to busyness, unbalanced schedules, and the never-ending stream of online content. It’s hard to say whether technology truly helps or hinders us from building real, meaningful relationships. Perhaps your online friends are the only friends you have, and it is scary to imagine making friends at school or in your own community. My goal with this post is to help you better understand the various levels of friendship and explore what friendship requires of us.
“When you gain a friend, gain him through testing, and do not trust him hastily.” (Sirach 6:7)
You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours
The first level of friendship we can consider is what Aristotle calls a friendship of utility (Nicomachean Ethics). These friendships involve reciprocated goodwill and might be better referred to as “acquaintances.” There is no real depth to these relationships as they mostly rely on what you can do for each other. In his book, On Spiritual Friendship, Saint Aelred referred to this as a worldly friendship which is “enkindled by hope of gain.” This category of friendship might include the guy in your calculus class who helps you understand variables and functions in exchange for Chick-fil-A, or the classmates you were paired with for the history project who also want to make a good grade on the assignment. Friendships at this level require a common goal, collaboration, and some give-and-take. You do not have to share similar interests with these people, and probably do not spend much time with them. These friends simply serve a useful purpose in your life.
“For there is a friend who is such at his own convenience, but will not stand by you in your day of trouble.” (Sirach 6:8)
You wanna start a band?
The next level is referred to as a friendship of pleasure. This level of friendship should not be confused with what our secular society refers to as “friends with benefits.” When Aristotle talks about friends of pleasure, he means friends that we take delight in because we find them pleasant to be around. St. Aelred suggested that this type of friendship is somewhat hedonistic (pleasure-seeking), saying that it is “created by a conspiracy in vice.” That might sound severe, but I think his point is that these friends simply go along with whatever is enjoyable. Alongside common goals, collaboration, and give-and-take, friendships at this level involve shared interests and joy in camaraderie. We can more accurately describe this friend as a “buddy.” A buddy is someone of whom you might affectionately say: “That’s ole so-and-so, he’s my fishin’ buddy” or “Sure, Mark? I know him. We play golf together.” If you are looking for someone to go golfing with who knows the best courses in Houston, you will reach out to Mark; however, that is as far as this relationship goes. You would not ask Mark to help you out of a bind or seek his advice for a personal matter. He can tell you how to fix your back swing, but not your marriage.
“There is a friend who is a table companion, but will not stand by you in your day of trouble. In your prosperity, he will make himself your equal, and be bold with your servants; but if you are brought low, he will turn against you, and will hide himself from your presence.” (Sirach 6:10-12)
Ride out with me!
Ultimately, we need some of our friendships to reach the highest level by becoming friendships of virtue. These relationships are called “virtuous” because they help us become better versions of ourselves. “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). That is likely why St. Aelred said that only good people could truly be friends. He believed that true friendships have a spiritual element and are established “among the righteous by likeness of life, habit, and interests…by agreement in things human and divine, with goodwill and charity.” A friend like that does not come around every day, and the relationship is not built overnight. It develops through testing. Virtuous friendships require time, trust, vulnerability, mutual respect, goodwill, intentionality, loyalty, self-sacrifice, reproof, and virtue. Some of these characteristics are self-explanatory, but others need further explanation.
It makes sense that we would need time to test the relationship or goodwill and virtue to inspire personal growth. Many of the other qualities I mentioned are necessary for any long-term relationship. But what about reproof? Doesn’t that involve judgment and blame? How is that important for friendship? I think Tolkien said it best when he wrote, “It may be the part of a friend to rebuke a friend’s folly” (Olwë, The Silmarillion). At this level of friendship, the relationship is not simply about being useful or enjoying each other’s company. A virtuous friend should help us journey towards our ultimate goal – heaven. As Jesus reminds us in John’s Gospel, “Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” (15:13).
Perhaps you have never thought about friendship in this way before. If that is the case, I encourage you to consider the examples of virtuous friendship in your life. I immediately think of my biological brothers and some friends who have faithfully supported me through difficult times and challenged me when I was being foolish. There are also many beautiful depictions of virtuous friendships in books and media that can help inspire us. Some of my favorites are Frodo and Sam, Gandalf and Bilbo, David and Jonathan, Edward and Alphonse, the Straw Hat Crew, and St Francis of Assisi and Bernard of Quintavalle.
“A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter: he that has found one has found a treasure. There is nothing so precious as a faithful friend, and no scales can measure his excellence. A faithful friend is an elixir of life, and those who fear the Lord will find him. Whoever fears the Lord directs his friendship aright, for as he is, so is his neighbor also.” (Sirach 6:14-17)
I encourage you to spend some time reflecting on what level of friendship you fit into with your friends. It is not bad to be an acquaintance or a buddy, but you want to have some friends you are virtuous towards. What role do your friends play in your life? Are they all buddies, or do you have some friends who encourage and challenge you to be a better person? If you believe you have not yet reached the level of virtue in your friendships, pray to find virtuous friends and to be a virtuous friend to others. “You may be alone at first, but one day, you’ll find true friends… Someday you’ll find friends that won’t ever leave you. No matter who you are, ain’t no one born into this world to be alone.” (Jaguar D. Saul)
Soundtrack this blog:
- Bread and wine – Josh Garrels
- Bounce man – Twenty One Pilots
- I’ll be there for you – The Rembrandts
- Old friends – Ben Rector
- You’ve got a friend in me – Randy Newman
- Lean on me – Bill Withers
- We’re going to be friends – The White Stripes
- Count on me – Bruno Mars
Some good reads:
- The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
- The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
- The Four Loves – CS Lewis
- The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
- Don Quixote – Miguel de Cervantes
- The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood – Howard Pyle
- The Outsiders – SE Hinton