Rich Hispanic culture shines through many clients I see and work with. As with every culture, it has preset cultural values. Some families exhibit few of the values and others carry the whole gamut in their family functioning. They are not all the same, nor are they universally lived out—yet a handful of them are brought to light whenever I counsel men or women of Hispanic descent. These values help maintain a strong emotional system within the family. But where does it start to impede the family functioning? When might it become a weakness in the family system? While someone ought to honor these beliefs and values, an unfortunate consequence of thoughtless obedience to them is the obstruction of emotional maturity in one or many of the members in the family system.
A few common Hispanic cultural norms include the eldest child being the responsible example for all siblings and primos, the youngest (female) has a responsibility to care for their parents in old age, grandmothers are the spiritual leaders of the family, and a mental illness is simply a weakness to personally overcome. There are countless other values and beliefs I will not get into because it could be a book! First, let me honor these cultural norms. I know many upstanding men and women who love their grandmothers and have loving relationships with them. I have seen oldest and youngest siblings take up the responsibilities their parents ask of them in courage, respect, and success. There is nothing wrong with cultural rules, norms, and values.
How a Family System Gets Stuck
What happens, though, is an automatic operation of managing all family dynamics through one lens. It is like a factory setting. There are supervisors and laborers. All have a part to play for the production of some item. For a family system, that product is emotional equilibrium. Emotional equilibrium is the feeling you get when things finally calm down. A comfortable ‘togetherness’ settles on each member of the family. Each person plays their part in producing emotional equilibrium. If one were to slip up, someone else would step in to solve the slip or they will not attain the end product. Where this goes sideways is the often hidden pressing emotional dictates of playing the same part over and over again. Let’s say one of the factory supervisors slips up and misses a deadline. The first laborer to catch it decides to step in and fix the problem. Excellent! What a good employee! Let’s say it happens again. Well, the same laborer knows how to fix the problem and does so again in half the time as the first slip up. The supervisor notices their employee’s work and realizes they can rely on the employee to solve the problem when they slip up. Now, let’s say it happens for the 10th time. The laborer may ingrain the idea that it is their responsibility to keep the problem from occurring and to solve it when it shows up again.
The repeated pattern of the first laborer taking on a supervisor’s responsibility has ongoing impacts for the whole factory and each member of the factory. The first laborer takes on this additional responsibility, which was not originally theirs—and no longer remembers that it originated with someone else. The rest of the factory workers see the repeated actions of supervisor and laborer, and begin to shore up their beliefs in the same camp: what was once a responsibility of the supervisor is now understood as the responsibility of the laborer. The members of the factory (the family) assume roles to produce the desired product (emotional equilibrium) and pressures of the system (assumed beliefs, values, and traditions) maintain the automatic operation of the factory. Yet, what happens to the first laborer? They burn out. They overwork themselves to the point of exhaustion and illness. And the other factory workers participate in the same repeated pattern.
Consequences of Stuckness
Alright, what is there to do? This laborer is doing a “good” thing. Emotional equilibrium is produced. Why stop it? Well, what are the long-term consequences of this course of action? If the system is unable to shift or find some flexibility, the laborer will be worked till they are sick over and over again. This “good” thing has quickly turned into a cycle of burnout. Furthermore, look at a broader perspective of the whole system: what are the supervisors indirectly learning? Something like, “I no longer have to take responsibility for my impact”. They avoid the heavy lifting of struggling through a problem to find a solution.
And the other laborers? They become part of the systemic pressure that keeps the first laborer stuck in this position. They allow the system to operate in the same fashion by not doing anything different. Additionally, they avoid the problem-solving this first laborer is doing. They work in an environment free from certain pressures because the supervisors leave it to the first guy and they, too, do not learn problem solving skills.
Growing in-house Cultural Awareness
In culturally rich families where values are passed down from generation to generation, if the values and traditions are only ever assumed and never spoken about openly, while respecting individual autonomy, the emotional system will pressure people into patterned behaviors where just as much emotional unrest is generated as it is calmed. The factory example represents only one way a family assumes values and feelings, and thus only one mode of operation that leads to symptoms. The last laborer could have picked up the extra slack. Or the first laborer could have pushed back on the supervisors about the added stress to their plate. In any of these responses, if the members of the emotional system (the family/factory workers) rely on assumed modes of operation, then some degree of individual autonomy will be ignored and new anxieties generated. The effort is not against the cultural value or tradition. It is toward conscientiousness about the family emotional mode of operation.
Ask yourself…
- In your family, is there open communication about the ‘assumed’ roles when participating in cultural practices?
- Are you operating as though the way you feel about a value must be the same as the next person in the family?
- In your family, who do you avoid emotionally uncomfortable situations with because you assume they cannot handle it?
- Or who in your family usually takes up a responsibility that might not be theirs to take?
Answering any of the questions and choosing to do something different in the family system may cause immediate albeit temporary stress. When a family or a single member of the family chooses to operate differently, it will create temporary tension because the former mode of operation to produce ‘emotional equilibrium’ is now upset. Due to this different operation, family members might have to try out a new way of thinking, feeling, or behaving in an effort to manage discomfort. And change is not easy. But frankly, the easy way sounds a lot like doing things the same as before.
There will be a couple of predictable responses from parents or other family members should you choose to do something different in your family. You may hear mom say, “why are you being so selfish?”, or dad comment, “you should feel bad for not helping out”. The emotional system will not like being upset from its regular way of gaining emotional equilibrium.
While I will not tell you exactly what to say, here are a few things to keep in mind:
- You are doing something new and it is causing a rift in the family system—how can you be considerate of the shift?
- What can you be curious about when you witness discomfort in your mom, dad, or siblings?
- How do you act from thoughtful principles instead of acting out of your current emotional stress?
The easy route leads quickly back to assumed ways of operating, the same patterns of behavior that generated new anxieties while trying to calm different anxieties. If someone is unprepared to respond with thoughtfulness to stress because they are changing their role in the family dynamic, they might fall right back into their old role to find emotional equilibrium again. A person changing their role in their family mode of operation is resisting internal pressures and external forces to stay the same or go back to how it once was.
The Beauty of Choosing Culture
Lastly, let me return to cultural variety and its vibrancy. These values and traditions possibly stem from a long history of profound and significant events. This article’s understanding of emotions and anxiety in the family system is in no way asking you to think poorly of the values or rid yourself of them. Quite the opposite. My encouragement is to create more richness and meaning by being deeply connected to each member of the family regarding your culture. Share with each other what this or that tradition has meant to you. Listen to your mom, dad, son, daughter, brother, or sister share honestly about what the cultural value has meant for them. Each member can freely develop a genuine love and appreciation for their culture. I believe when these values are discussed freely and each family member respects the individual perspectives on the value, the family grows stronger. A common phrase here at Rejoice is that the parts make the group stronger. Families that engage openly about their culture are building a stronger family that is capable of handling any and all challenges. Culture is richest when it is chosen, not just inherited.